


Just take my hand and make me feel amazing, 'cause I don't feel amazing now

by playlike-agirl (playlikeagirl)



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 12:59:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6520714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playlikeagirl/pseuds/playlike-agirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A one shot I wrote after hearing the news...Obviously nothing is set in stone. Ash is going to Rio regardless, and hopefully she'll be getting that gold! This is just my emotions and the need to write! </p><p>The gals are all at camp when Ash is called in for a meeting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just take my hand and make me feel amazing, 'cause I don't feel amazing now

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this after seeing the news. Whilst I’m super pleased for Alyssa, my heart is breaking a bit for Ash. So this is my response…Obviously nothing is set in stone! So don’t freak out. Ash will have a stellar NWSL season and amazing season openers and could well make it back to her second spot, and I hope she does, but this is just my emotional response. Camps are there for a reason at the end of the day, and that is often to evaluate players. Maybe Ash had a bad camp, she did have the flu after all. Doesn’t mean she won’t come back stronger. Have faith people, and be happy for Alyssa. Ash will be going to Rio regardless. Even if she is an alternate and doesn’t get her gold, she’ll be in Rio. Positive thinking people! 
> 
> I was also writing it whilst listening to ‘I Don’t Feel Amazing Now’ by Guillemots and ‘Talk Me Down’ by Troye Sivan so check those out whilst you read this.
> 
> ‘Take my hand and tell me life is fair, oh take my hand and tell me I’m amazing darling, ‘cause I don’t feel amazing now’
> 
> ‘I wanna come home to you, but home is just a room full of my safest sounds…I wanna sleep next to you, but that’s all I wanna do right now, so come over now…and talk me down’.

_To be honest, you had known it for a while now. That you were never going to really make it. There had been too many injuries, too many setbacks. And you had fought. God, you’d fought like hell to get back, to get to where you are now and you knew it had been worth it. You’d won a gold medal for God’s sake. You were part of the 15ers and you know you’ll never forget that, but it wasn’t your name on the starting XI. It never was. You didn’t despise Hope for it, how could you? Despite her reputation in the media and her penchant for clenching her jaw and looking terrifying most of the time, she was a softie, a sweetheart and an amazing fucking keeper. You’ve learnt a lot from her and you will always cherish that. But it’s never really going to be enough. You’re never going to have her place and you know you’re not exactly over the hill at thirty, especially not for a keeper, but you’re not getting any younger either. So you’d known it for a while now. You’d noticed how much more attention Alyssa was garnering from Jill, you’d noticed Hope coaching her like she used to coach you. And you were happy for her. Alyssa had always been a rock. Silent and unassuming but amazing when she needed to be and of course you were happy for her. It was her time to shine now, to get some caps and hopefully some minutes. To get her gold in Rio whilst you sat there as the alternate. Proud of her, but always one step behind. And that’s how things were sometimes. Sometimes, most of the time with yourself you think, the timing is all wrong. You can work your ass off but if the timing is wrong, if there was someone better than you, quicker than you, you were going to fall. Sometimes, some things were just not meant to be. Sometimes you can work harder than you ever thought possible and it still won’t be enough._

It was a cold crisp morning when Jill and Dawn and the rest of the coaching staff had asked you to stay a while after breakfast. To have a meeting with them when the rest of the team had left. Your heart had sunk into the soles of your shoes at that second. You knew what was coming. You’d had a bad feeling when you had woken up in the morning but that wasn’t unusual, you always felt slightly off when you woke up and Ali wasn’t beside you. You’d slowly been coming to terms with that, with you both being in different states for the time being. But this was slightly different. You had butterflies, but not the cute ‘I think I might be falling for you butterflies’ but the ‘oh shit something is going to happen and I’m certain it’s going to be bad’ butterflies. You went for your run regardless, slightly slower, slightly more sluggish than usual, but you finished anyway, meeting Ali in the lobby. You’d grabbed a quick kiss and told her about your meeting. You saw the concern flash over her face and she squeezed your hand.

"It might be nothing. They might just be checking on you, you know, how you’ve been with the flu."

"Yeah" you sigh, kicking dust on the floor. "We’ll see."

But your conversation is interrupted with the arrival of the rest of your team bundling you into breakfast.

"Move it lovebirds! You’re making everyone jealous and also slightly sick!" You hear Kelley yell.

You find yourself laughing. "Gotta keep my woman happy" you tease, smirking at Ali as you pull her in for an over the top kiss. Ali swats your arm and giggles, the rest of your team chucking and rolling their eyes.

The rest of breakfast is uneventful, but Ali keeps close to you, her hand on your leg, her thumb running soft circles. You’re grateful for her, you know she’s doing it to calm you down and to stop your leg from moving up and down too much, worried you’re going to kick the table over. But then breakfast is over all too soon, and you watch as the team slowly trudges out to get ready for practice. You slowly sip your coffee, waiting for Dawn to call you into the meeting. Ali stays next to you as long as she can, and when HAO asks her if she’s coming, she just smiles. "I’ll see you on the field." HAO looks between you and seems to understand.

"Ok, I’ll see you both later" she smiles sadly and leaves.

Fuck. You should have known everyone knows. Of course Jill wouldn’t tell them all before you, but it must be obvious in training. You’d noticed it yourself, why wouldn’t everyone else have? You try and shake your thoughts off; you know you’re over analysing everything. You know everyone thinks you’re great in goal, but the life of a keeper is never easy, never straightforward. A lot of your time is spent doubting your ability. Making five, ten good saves in a game never makes up for that one goal you let slip past you. That one goal that could be the difference between winning and losing. You raise your head and see Ali looking at you in concern as Dawn starts walking over to you.

Ali leans over to kiss you. You’re slightly taken aback. Apart from the jokey PDA you put on in front of the team, you’re rarely overly affectionate around others. Partly because of your profile now, or at least Ali’s raised profile, although you know you’re popular with fans too, and partly because you prefer to be disgustingly lovey dovey in private. You see Dawn stop in the corner of the room, letting you have your moment, and you see a couple of the team look over to you curiously, wondering what’s going on. You smile at Dawn, or attempt to do something that’s not a grimace and you push the chair back from the table.

"I love you" Ali whispers into your ear. You both know what’s coming. "I’ll see you in your room."

You nod, unable to get anyone words out in case your emotions betray you and your eyes start to leak.

You follow Dawn wordlessly into the meeting room. You know she’s talking to you, making small talk but it’s awkward and you just nod along, wishing it was already over.

The meeting itself is fine. Jill explains to you that they want to get Alyssa some more minutes, and with the few niggling injuries you’ve had and the flu making you a little bit weaker in this camp, they’re edging her into your spot. You take it graciously, happy for Alyssa, knowing she’s worked hard. You make a mental note to go and congratulate her later today. You’re damned if you’ll be a sore loser. You don’t say much, but you’re not always one for words anyway. Jill assures you it’s not the end of the road, that NWSL matches will be evaluated, but you’re naturally heartbroken. You smile and Dawn pulls you in for a hug.

"Hang in Harris. We all know how amazing you are." You pull back, grateful for her words and give out a rushed "bye, see you at practice" along with a forced smile and wave.

Your shoulders slump as you walk into the elevator. You have practice in an hour but you just want to go back to bed. You want to curl up, Ali tucked into your side, binge watching TV with a tub of Nutella and a spoon.

You make it to your room and see Ali alone, sitting on your bed, Moe back at the Dash because of her injury. You can tell by her face how worried she is. You smile to yourself, thankful for her unwavering love and concern. She looks up the second you walk in and makes her way towards you.

"Hey baby are you ok? What did Jill want? Is everything ok?" Ali’s voice is laced with concern but her questions almost overwhelm you.

"Baby. Talk to me." Ali pulls you in for a soft kiss. "What is it? What did she say?"

You sigh into her mouth and pull her in for a hug, resting your foreheads together as you reluctantly pull back.

You know your eyes are already filling up with tears but you can’t help it. Ali reaches up to stroke your cheek, kissing away the one tear that rolls down the side of your face.

"Ash you’re worrying me now, talk to me."

You take a deep breath in and get the words out somehow, certain they’re too quiet for Ali to hear, but you’re pretty sure she could understand you without you even saying a word.

"I’m not going to be on the podium with you in Rio baby. I’m not going to get our second gold medal." You let out the breath you didn’t know you’d been holding and your shoulders slump as you sit down on the bed, your head in your hands.

You’re not looking at her face but you know exactly what Ali is feeling. The same as you. Heartbreak and disappointment. She knows how hard you’ve worked, how far you’ve come. How you’d tried to take every knock, every setback with a smile. But not anymore.

You glance up at her face and you see anger flash across her eyes for a second. You don’t blame her, you know why she’s angry. She hasn’t been playing much either recently, of course she gets minutes, but she’s missing her starting spot. But Ali’s always been the one to reassure you, the one you could come to after another disappointing roster announcement, another disappointing starting line up. She’d been there, often not saying a word, but she’d be there. A familiar face, eyes to look into that offered no sympathy, just understanding.

"Oh baby" Ali sighs as she tucks the hair that’s escaped from your bun behind your ear. "I love you so much you know. So so much baby." She kisses you softly. "What did Jill say?" she coaxes out of you, moving the both of you backwards onto the bed so your head is cradled into her chest. She kisses the top of your head.

"Don’t bottle it up Ash", she gently nudges your head up so your eyes meet. "Talk to me."

So you do. You take a deep breath and you talk. You tell her what Jill told you, that they’re trying to develop Alyssa a little more, get her up to second string keeper for Rio. That she’d told you that of course you’d be going to Rio even if it’s just as an alternate and that things could change next camp and over the start of the season back at the Pride, but you can’t hide the sadness in your voice.

Ali just makes soothing sounds, gently running her hands through your hair. She lets you finish talking and you find yourself crying into her shoulder.

"I know baby, I know" you hear Ali soothe.

You sit up and wipe your eyes.

"Alex. I just…" you gesture wildly around the room. "I’m just sad Alex. I’m tired. I’ve worked my ass off for too many years, and I know the dream's not over, but I feel like it’s slipping further and further from my hands and it’s like I’m holding onto the edge of a cliff with someone stepping on my fingers. I can’t hold on much longer. I haven’t got the strength."

Ali sits up straight and holds your face.

"Ash. Listen to me. I know you’re upset and I understand that. But I also know you are the strongest woman I know. You were there when I tore my ACL and I came back stronger than ever. I could never have done that without you. So you know what? I’m going to do the same for you. I’m going to be by your side every step, different states or not. I will be there for you Ash. I’ll do anything and everything to make sure you come back stronger and get your spot back. One camp is not the end of the world, you know you have it in you to be fucking amazing. We all do. You’re already fucking amazing. This is just a teeny tiny setback." You smile, and Ali crinkles her nose. "You’re coming to Rio regardless baby. But I’m gonna make damn sure you’re up there getting your gold medal right beside me."

You didn’t think you could love Ali more than you already did, but you do.

"You know I’d be happy watching you get your gold medal from the sides though Alex. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. You deserve your Olympic gold, just as much as you deserved the World Cup, but I just…I just thought I’d be standing next to you when you did, like last summer."

"Oh Ash. We will be standing next to each other baby. We’ll be standing next to each other then, and I’ll whisper I told you so into your ear. And when we're married with our beautiful babies we’ll tell the them how mama never gave up on her dreams, and when we're old and wrinkly we'll tell the grandkids and they'll sigh and tell me to stop telling the same story because they all know how amazing you are. Deal?"

You laugh and really smile for the first time today.

"Deal baby."

And you know that Olympic gold or no Olympic gold, everything will be ok as long as Ali is right beside you.


End file.
